(Source: blogsecret)

…I’ve unintentionally sliced my soul open in front of you. Oh how I’ve complimented you…

It’s true, you have complimented me…and you compliment me. You are the agonized scream that matches perfectly with my writhing agony that stands forever unexpressed because my tongue is nailed to the wall of some bastard confessional. Oh how you compliment me…I am the vessel for the poison that drips from your soul. Every ounce of venom you have inside you, I can hold. Never will I gag on the taste of your bile. Never will I say “enough”. I have limitless capacity for your unlimited anger. Never have I encountered such a delicious demon…walking death, walking pain, hand in hand forever searching but never finding…content to share this fate.
I have always felt alone…huddled within myself, defending against everything that crossed my path, cowering from a world that has so often had me bent over, too hurt to scream, too embarrassed to tell, too fucked up to reason. What defense at that age? How do you survive? You survive through hatred of course, through blistering anger and unmitigated violence. There are no rules then…its fuck or be fucked Embrace the darkness and call it plan. Save your crying for when you’re drunk…at least then you have something to blame it on. God how I love to drink.
Walking death, walking pain, hand in hand, forever searching but never finding…I could really use the company.
It’s not all bad though. Today’s strength comes as a direct result of yesterday’s weakness. My mirror is cleansed by your tears…gently falling, feeding the seed that’s waiting for the illumination that is your recognition. As your seedling sprouts, it grows entwined with its twin, on the other side of the mirror, both reaching, searching for the radiant glow that is our mutual pain.
What will grow from this seed? Pain, disappointment, the final agony that drives away the last vestiges of my humanity? Or a sanctuary, a place to heal, the final ecstasy that drives away the last vestiges of the scared little boy who has let the world dominate him. Or maybe this seed is sterile, never to really grow into anything at all. Destined forever to stay the same…walking death, walking pain, all alone, forever searching but never finding…

Doomsday is approaching.

I feel very very sad. I’m trying so hard to salvage this. But I don’t know. I feel like things are getting worse. Well, they seem fine for a day but never entirely. There’s just always something missing. I know what i’m told but I have trouble comprehending. I have trouble believing that is hasn’t changed, not even a little. Not when I have noticed the changes. It kills me ok? It kills me. Because I wanted so bad for this to be it. Tears streaming down my face as I write this, I don’t know what hurts more. Knowing the end is near and i’ve lost again or realizing I was wrong when I said this would be the last.
I’m trying in vain. I’m not as significant as I used to be. There is no excitement or eagerness to communicate with me. Is it that bad now? I don’t feel like i’m reading too much into this. I’ve already experienced it enough times to know what it is when it’s happening. And it is happening.
It has a lot to do with me and for that I am sorry. But I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything. I don’t want to get into somthing else new. I’m afraid my attachment will shift and that will be the end for sure. Or not. Maybe it is what this needs afterall…

Today is shit.
I took a nap in an attempt to make it better but alas, I wake up and bam!
Right back to shit again.

It wasn’t his fault before but now he’s adding to my shitty day.
How hard is it to stay away from subjects I don’t wanna hear about? That you know will upset me. Hmm? Tell me that. I don’t wanna hear about you getting a job or making more money than me because it just reminds me how badly mine sucks and it’s like an ominous warning sign of our relationship’s ultimate decay. That is where this is heading. I hate it, but I can’t stop it. I don’t know why he’s holding
on so tightly. It’s obvious he doesn’t even like talking to me anymore. He said himself I make him want to be home less and less. How am I supposed to respond to that??
 
Then his “friend” is threatening me saying he’s gonna maul me over him. Hah. Like he could. And another one of his friends is making me very nervous. Because he’s acting the same way with him that he used to act with me before we started dating. An indication that he liked me. So I guess he likes him. I’m not sure what to do. I want to scream, cry, and punch something all at the same time.
Then again, how could I NOT have seen this coming. It was only inevitable, right? I deserve this, right?

NO. I fucking don’t! I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be paid attention to. I deserve to have someone wanna spend every waking minute with me. I deserve to have someone care enough about their relationship with me to not risk losing it by doing things that will cause them to neglect me or acting like they like other people. That’s not being oblivious. That’s pure torture. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s punishing me for something and i’m not sure yet what it is but I have some ideas.

I just don’t understand. How much does one person have to not care to be able to hurt another this much? Especially one they say they love so very much and can’t live without. Oh but that’s only as long as you stay with him. If you decide to part ways and see someone else, he can’t have you in his life at all. Sounds pretty hypocritical to me but i’m just guessing here. The point is, i’m tired of being hurt all the time. I’m tired of feeling like he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, though he says he doesn’t feel that I care. Ten bucks says I care more than he does right now. I’m tired of carrying the weight of this relationship on my shoulders. It’s burdensome and I am weary. I just need to stop and rest for a while. But I am not allowed.

I wish it wasn’t like this. I’m just not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure where to go from here. I never thought it was possible to hate someone you love so much. I don’t think it’s so much hating him though, as it is hating what he does. And his complete disregard for my emotions cuz he thinks I don’t have any. But I do. I have fucking plenty.

Please take my hand and lead me into the shadows,
for I am a blind traveller on this road of our future.
Be the oxygen that fills my chest when we are caught
in the hurricane of indecision.
Become the blood that courses through my fibrous
body and remain the reason that my heart beats.
Hear all when there is only silence for I am but a singular
sound, a frenetic parade of thoughts of us.
Feel the world move around us when we are laid under
stars, motionless and minuscule.

I offer you this in return.

I will be the shoulders of strength and of comfort,
I will be here to love you in your entirety.
Here to be yours and stand infront of you in the hard times and behind you in the good
but always by your side.
To be your words in pages unwritten, your song
that plays on Sunday mornings as I lay by your side and
to be your lover, your friend and your husband until
tomorrow never comes.

I shall be your man, now and forever.
This is my vow to you.

Since i’ve been on here. I haven’t posted because I had no reason to and I got busy. But now i’m back. To post more nonsense. And shit that no one will read.

Because in the end, I still need a place to rant.

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

Listen here.

I don’t know what the fuck is goin on with you and Allie but that shit is between you two. I did NOT tell her to message you and I did NOT tell her anything about you trying to make me feel bad. That was all her dear. So do me a favor and leave me out of your guys’ drama because i’m done with it.

Stop writing about me. You don’t see me writing about you, do you? No you don’t. So stop it. Move on with your life. If you really didn’t care like you say you don’t then you wouldn’t keep talking about it. Insulting me is not gonna do you any good. It’s not like it hurts me. I can’t fucking feel it. And I don’t care. I’ve moved on. Why can’t you? Don’t feed the flames. If she doesn’t bother you, IGNORE HER. Fucksake. It’s not my fault she generally hates you, believe it or not.

Now please. FORGET. I. EXIST.

(via blogsecret)

sanvean:

sexisopera:

Forgive my lack of posting.

Nope sorry, you are not forgiven :)

 Never by you! You’re like the fucking vengeful god of the high heavens. HMPH. xD