Non-Entity.

Today is shit.
I took a nap in an attempt to make it better but alas, I wake up and bam!
Right back to shit again.

It wasn’t his fault before but now he’s adding to my shitty day.
How hard is it to stay away from subjects I don’t wanna hear about? That you know will upset me. Hmm? Tell me that. I don’t wanna hear about you getting a job or making more money than me because it just reminds me how badly mine sucks and it’s like an ominous warning sign of our relationship’s ultimate decay. That is where this is heading. I hate it, but I can’t stop it. I don’t know why he’s holding
on so tightly. It’s obvious he doesn’t even like talking to me anymore. He said himself I make him want to be home less and less. How am I supposed to respond to that??
 
Then his “friend” is threatening me saying he’s gonna maul me over him. Hah. Like he could. And another one of his friends is making me very nervous. Because he’s acting the same way with him that he used to act with me before we started dating. An indication that he liked me. So I guess he likes him. I’m not sure what to do. I want to scream, cry, and punch something all at the same time.
Then again, how could I NOT have seen this coming. It was only inevitable, right? I deserve this, right?

NO. I fucking don’t! I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be paid attention to. I deserve to have someone wanna spend every waking minute with me. I deserve to have someone care enough about their relationship with me to not risk losing it by doing things that will cause them to neglect me or acting like they like other people. That’s not being oblivious. That’s pure torture. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s punishing me for something and i’m not sure yet what it is but I have some ideas.

I just don’t understand. How much does one person have to not care to be able to hurt another this much? Especially one they say they love so very much and can’t live without. Oh but that’s only as long as you stay with him. If you decide to part ways and see someone else, he can’t have you in his life at all. Sounds pretty hypocritical to me but i’m just guessing here. The point is, i’m tired of being hurt all the time. I’m tired of feeling like he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, though he says he doesn’t feel that I care. Ten bucks says I care more than he does right now. I’m tired of carrying the weight of this relationship on my shoulders. It’s burdensome and I am weary. I just need to stop and rest for a while. But I am not allowed.

I wish it wasn’t like this. I’m just not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure where to go from here. I never thought it was possible to hate someone you love so much. I don’t think it’s so much hating him though, as it is hating what he does. And his complete disregard for my emotions cuz he thinks I don’t have any. But I do. I have fucking plenty.